Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Ice, Ice baby.

Those of you who know me well have probably heard my theory about Perth. Perth as in the capital city of the state of Western Australia - not the Perth that is in Scotland. My theory, for those of you who haven't heard, is that it doesn't exist. Perth, that is. Well, I've never seen it. Well, that is, I had never seen it until fairly recently.

Imagine my embarrasment when I discovered it was real, all along. I would have felt my embarrassment more strongly, but it was having difficulty making itself heard over my exhaustion at the time. It turns out Perth is a long, long, long way from anywhere else. If any of you are tempted to drive to Perth and would like to know what it would be like, I recommend shutting your family in your car for four days and throwing money out the windows. Or six days, if you're travelling from Sydney.

You can understand why I doubted in the first place though. I mean, I had heard people talking about Perth. I had seen it written on the map. I learned about it in school. But I hadn't seen it. I had spoken to people who claimed to have been there - but they could have been lying, or making it up, or criminally insane. Right?
Well, seeing Perth with my own eyes certainly shook my theory somewhat. So, I now believe in Perth. And more power to those of you who are able to believe in Perth without seeing. I'm still not so sure about Darwin though. No, not the father of the theory of evolution, the capital of Australia's Northern Territory. Well, I've never seen it...

On, a related topic, I have recently come to an important conclusion about snow. I've decided it is an elaborate hoax played upon foreigners by the locals here. They talk about it as if it is real. The weather service keeps promising it. I have even seen pictures of it. Is it really only a coincidence that it always falls in surrounding areas, but never in ours? I think not. No, I'm fairly certain that it is like the 'drop-bear' stories that we Aussies use to frighten tourists. You know, 'When you're out in the bush watch out for the drop-bears, they hide in the trees and drop down and attack you'. Endlessly entertaining for the locals to watch tourists walking around nervously eyeing the treetops. Not to mention the fun of selling them a whole range of 'drop-bear' repelling products.

But I am no fool. I know exactly what all those snow shovels in Walmart are there for. They are for tourists who've bought into the 'snow' myth.
I will believe in snow when I see it. In the meantime, all we are getting is rain. Rain is boring. I have seen rain before. Don't get me wrong, I fully appreciate the benefit of a good rainfall. I do, after all, come from the driest state (South Australia) on the driest continent in the world.

(If you don't count Antarctica. Which I don't. Antarctica's claim is that it is the driest because all its moisture falls as snow, and not water. I don't believe in snow, ergo I don't believe Antarctica is the driest continent.)

It's just that the rain here isn't actually achieving anything. Except to make puddles. Which then freeze. Into ice. Aha. You were wondering when the ice was going to come into it, weren't you? Well, I may not believe in snow, but I certainly do believe in ice. I would have no choice but to believe really, considering the spectacular fall I performed recently by slipping on ice. The judges awarded me a 9.9. No injuries apart from to my dignity. So I will, in future be showing a great deal more respect for ice and all things icy.

Meanwhile I will continue to wait for things unseen. Aliens. The Loch Ness Monster. And snow. Who knows, I may even plan a trip to Darwin sometime - the next time I am back in Australia perhaps. If you'll excuse me, I need to go sit in the car for four days and throw money out the windows in preparation.


Anonymous said...

Wow, how wise and insightful. After reading your arguments I am also beginning to doubt the existance of snow and Darwin.

Anonymous said...

I am thinking that Mad Mike needs to take you to chicago in January.... or perhaps to that concert scheduled in Nome, Alaska.

By the way - we americans think those that buy Maton guitars are the equivelant to those who buy drop-bear repellant